The Countdown Begins

I finally quit. I gave my two weeks and now I’m in the final week. I have 4 days left and I can’t wait.

I’m getting pink and purple in my hair and a new tattoo with the brother then comes…wait for it…the lip ring. J

My new boss has already said ok to each one of these things. This is surprising because I was planning all of it around my new job so that it wouldn’t be a problem. Looks like I’m going to enjoy this place a LOT!

All I have left to clean out is the storage unit and I finally got my bed back! Last night was the first night I slept in a real bed in over a month and I had forgotten how much I missed it.

Family drama? You bet!

Work drama? You bet!

Am I happier? You fucking bet! J

I’m diggin everything about what’s going on right now and everything that is changing in my life. I can’t just start from the beginning and go through it, I have random points that pop into my head that I feel like I have to share.

School is almost over and it’s going really great. I’m going to finish strong not to mention the fact that I’ll get a whole month off, PAID! :-D

I CAN’T WAIT! I’m not failing at being a “successful kid” as much as I thought I would. I’m really enjoying this new life.

:-)

New start in life!!! J

That’s what I’m looking forward to. I’ve realized that the cookie cutter lifestyle isn’t for me.

I want more.

Something different.

What? Well… I haven’t gotten that far yet.

All I know is that when I was younger, I was told that I could do whatever I wanted and as I got older, ropes and restrictions were put on me and I felt pushed one direction or another. Not anymore, baby. I’m back on track. I’m a dreamer and I’m here to claim what’s rightfully mine. I only get one shot at this life and I’m not going to waste another minute doing something I don’t want to or making sacrifices for something that isn’t worth it. You can jump on the wagon with me or you can wave as I leave but I’m going on to bigger and better things and I’m not coming back.

Fuck growing up and fuck wasting my time on 40+ hours a week. For what? So I can retire one day and be too old to do what I want to? Nope! Not this girl!

I’m done expecting someone to be what I want them to be. Either you’re right for my personality or you aren’t and I’ll move on.

I’m not fighting over stupid shit anymore and I’m not wasting energy on stuff that isn’t necessary. I know what’s important to me and I know what’s not. I’m not going to change or mold people to my standards but I’m happy to teach them or share with them anything they’d like to be a part of.

I want to be happy and I want the same for others and sometimes the only way to be happy is to let someone go and move on with your life. Some people are put here permanently and others are just passing through so make the most of every moment you have together because when they’re gone, you don’t want any regrets.

The new me is exciting and I’m ready to move on and explore this earth. I’ve only been out of the country a grand total of three times. I want to see the world. I want to go places I’ve only dreamed of. 

It starts now.

Yep, I'm over it

It’s sad and pathetic how guys get sometimes. I have one following me around and another one getting mad that I’m not including him in my “journal” even though I’ve said before that I made them private. He wants to challenge who I’m writing about and weather or not I’m getting his text messages. He thinks that I should be dropping everything to talk to him and go out of my way to bend over backwards and tell him that he matters to me.

I’m not that girl.

I wouldn’t talk to you if you didn’t matter to me. I’m not into the cheesy “I’ll do everything for you” bull shit.

Come on!

I just got out of a three year shit relationship and you’re worried about how I make YOU feel? Really? Get over yourself.

Apparently I suck at being me and you should just do it for me? Ya? Would that make you happy?

Here’s my question:

What the fuck makes you think that you’re so fucking special that after everything I’ve been through, you have the right to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing for YOU? I don’t even get online to tell my dad that my phone isn’t working and, here’s something else, I didn’t even know my phone wasn’t working until my dad called the work phone to see if I was ok. So, please excuse me for not magically knowing that you were trying with all your heart to reach me because I had no idea there was a fucking problem.

I know, it’s my fault, I should have known better because I should be putting you first, COMPLETELY.

Fuck off.

That’s what I have to say about that. I haven’t even gotten to do what I want to for a month before you freak the fuck out about how important you think you should be. No way dude. If I wanted a guy like that, I’d have kept the last one.

And making assumptions about who I’m talking about is pretty fuckin retarded too. You look so stupid when you try to play detective and act like you’re a bad ass and it turns out that this guy that you are getting all jealous of (which ironically is the same person Logan was all pissy about) Is actually my uncle who has cancer that I just got back in touch with. I’d like to take a moment to applaud your amazing skills and your ability to completely fuck it all up…again…because…AGAIN…you were wrong.

So, you’ve done a fantastic job! You have succeeded in making yourself exactly like the person I’ve told you about so many times that I hate. I’m glad I learned this early on.

Grass ain't always greener....Better start watering

I’m really getting tired of feeling like I have to make other people happy and they all seem to walk all over me. I’m way too nice, way too giving, and way to respectful of other people’s feelings to actually put my foot down where I should. At the end of the day, I always end up wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

I asked if my brother wanted to pitch on a carton of cigs with me but he said he didn’t have the money. So I get them anyway. All fucking week, they have been taking my cigs without asking and thinking that it’s just ok. Umm.. I’m not made of money. I’ll share but you can’t just take all you want for free. Especially not after you drank all my fruit juice, hot chocolate, and ate all my food before I got any of it. Why? Because you were drunk, that makes it all ok? What the fuck ever.

You call me if I’m not home within 10 minutes of when I’m supposed to be because you have Kino but all fucking week when I come home at the same fucking time, I end up having to wait an hour for you to let me in the door because you decided to wait until 5:00 to run your errands when you wake up at noon. When you finally pull into the garage, your music is loud enough to hurt my ears in the parking garage and you have my dog in the back!!!! Dog=10x better at hearing than your dumb ass! Seriously?

I give K all the cigs, money, rides, whatever he fucking wants and what do I get? Last on the list. I get led on and made to believe that I have something I don’t and then I feel too stupid to ask about it because I feel like I’d be being pushy or clingy. I’m over the mind games. I wish my head didn’t come up with all this shit. I wish I didn’t have any expectations of people, really. That would make life a shit ton easier.

No, actually, I wish I just didn’t care. I wish I didn’t care that they are my family, or my friends, or what’s “right v.s. wrong”. I wish I was just like everyone else. This shit isn’t funny to me. I’m not laughing with you when you say that you drank all my juice or that you ate all my shit. Wanna know why? Because you never buy your own shit. You bitch because there’s never any food but when I buy it, you won’t hesitate to go right the fuck ahead and eat it, will ya? Well, where’s mine, bastards? For real!!!!

I pay my own bills, feed myself, get my own cigs, pay for my own fucking dog and now I have to pay for your gay asses too? Where the fuck does your money go? Why am I the catch all for the shit that you guys want to throw? Whatever.

I wish I could say it would stop here. Unfortunately, I know me and I know what is going to happen. I’m going to vent to all of you mother fuckers and playing tough until I get home and my brother says sorry for something that he did and I’ll say “its ok nig, you’ll get me back.” Except I know that he won’t. He used to but lately, he doesn’t care anymore. Then K will text me and I’ll jump at the phone and answer him as fast as I can.

Yep….I’m a pushover.

It’s my own fault though.

I put too much thought into how I’d feel in that situation.

One day, I will be stronger than this and I’ll make sure that I don’t get walked on anymore. Until then, I’m filled with wonder, anxiety, anger, grief, and wishing that I could get out. Wishing that I had somewhere else to go and not have to sit here and let more people walk all over me just like before. Soon though, I’ll get out. I just need to find a new job and get another place to myself. This is a learning experience for who I want and don’t want in my life. I don’t want or need to be taken care of or supported and I sure as fuck don’t want to be a babysitter or caretaker of someone else either. I really want someone who is equal to me to go through life with me. Not before me, not after me, with me.

I’m not going to be held down anymore.

A Painful Memory

So, I'm going through an old email that I haven't used in at least a year. I found a letter that I wrote to myself when I was with him. It hurts to read still but it was nice to read it and see how much my mind changed.

Why is it that every time you think you're doing something right, something 
always goes wrong? Can I not make anyone happy? Should I even be here? Do I make 
anyone happy? Can anyone love me? Why do I always feel like I'm the one who is 
being ignored? Am I not important to anyone? 

Sometimes I wish I was invisible. Then I'd know why no one cares. I'd understand 
why I'm never heard or never doing anything right. If no one could see me or 
hear me, I wouldn't have to worry if everyone else is happy. I'd be a ghost. I 
wouldn't have to wonder why I dont matter. I wouldn't exist. Why can't I be 
happy alone? Why can't I be happy at all? 

I feel like for my whole life I've been doing nothing but trying to please 
everyone. I put my thoughts and wants and fears aside for everyone yet no one 
notices. 

It hurts more knowing that im not invisible and no one notices the things I do. 
No one sees that I try to do everything I can to make them happy and it's never 
enough. 

I dont go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone yet I'm accused of all these 
things. Why is that? No matter who im with, they always accuse me of the same 
things. Why do I devote my life to someone and they can't see it? 

Justin saw it. He always appreciated me. He knew what I went through and he 
understood me. He never got tired o hearing me, never got upset when I was. He 
listened to me. He saw what was wrong with me and loved me anyways. Why does 
everything good leave me? What's wrong with me? Will anyone ever love me? 

Will anyone ever understand me?my mom, my brother, dad even, they dont get me 
and who I am. I will never know. So what so I do? 

I wish for happiness I pray for happiness. Will it ever come? Is there something 
wrong with me? Am I to blame for my whole life?     
Would everyone be happier if I was gone? Would they even notice? 

When I was little, I used to cry myself to sleep and think "one day I'll be 
happy! One day I'll look at me and say how happy I am that I made myself happy 
all by myself" but here I am. Still silently crying myself to sleep hoping that 
one day I have a happy life. I hope i do one day. I want to be happy. I just 
don't know how. Part of me is afraid to be happy. What if I'm so happy that one 
day I lose everything and it's gone? At least when in sad I know that it can't 
get any worse. Right? Do I deserve to be happy? 

I wish I could look into the future and know what I need to do. I want to take 
the easy way out now and have someone give me the answers. Who am I? Who am I 
supposed to be? Who loves me? Who doesn't? Why does everyone think they can tell 
me what to do? Why does everyone assume they know everything about me? 

I've been told my whole life how smart I am. Really? If in so fucking smart, why 
can't I answer my own questions? Why can't I figure out how to make myself 
happy? Why does no one love me? Why does no one try to understand me? Fucking 
smart little kristina really knows NOTHIG she's an idiot! She ruins everything 
and can't even seem to figure out why!!!!!!! That right Censored, you heard me!! 
You're stupid, youre lazy, youre fat because you don't do anything about it. You 
can't answer ur own questions because you suck at life and no one knows why you 
even try. You were a mistake from the beginning and thats never going to change. 
Everyone thinks so. They tell you all the time, you just fight it! 

Stop fucking fighting and open your god damn eyes
YOURE WORTHLESS! 
Reality hurts. Get used to it. 

Learn to do shit on your own or die. Nature! Figure it out retard. There's a 
message to you CENSORED! when will you learn? 

Random thoughs spewed out....Hmm?

There are no thoughts in my head lately. The days are blurring together, my creativity is gone and I can’t think of anything that’s new or exciting yet here I sit jotting down words that must be flowing from somewhere.

I’m not in my usual stage of depression though. I’d call it “indifferent”. That seems like the best word for my moods. I haven’t been happy with the way things are, but they aren’t upsetting me either. I’ve closed off the feelings of emotion which is why I think that the days are running together and my separation of time is struggling.

I got my Halloween costume. Halloween is my favorite day of the year because hair and makeup has always been my favorite thing. I don’t wear the skimpy/slutty outfits that most girls do around this time; I like to wear intricate costumes and ones that you’ll never forget. After a while all the ass cheeks and boobs look the same but I want to be the one that is remembered because I was different and it looked cool. Off topic……OK! So I’m going to be the dark hatter from Malice in Wonderland which requires black and white…THAT’S IT! This is going to be one of the tougher costumes I’ve ever worn because I can’t use colors to accent what is supposed to be happening. Challenge accepted. I’m not wearing the exact costume in the set though. I just bought the hat, the suit coat, and the coffee tie. The rest is going to be improvised and changed up a bit. I have black hairspray for my hair and, of course, there’s going to be lots of makeup!  Enough about me being Halloween’s poster child.

Ah Ha! Blogging always brings my mood up for some reason. I think it’s because you actually listen to what I have to say and I can be as energetic/insane as I want! I’ve heard someone call “you” her imaginary friend and it somewhat makes sense. I’m not speaking to anyone in general but these are words that I don’t want to lose, that have value. I’m writing to myself but I’m posting it where the world can see should they choose to do so. Somewhere safe, somewhere where there is anonymity. I want to share my thoughts with someone, anyone who cares enough to read them for whatever value they get from them yet I don’t want to know this person. I could GET to know this person but I don’t want to know them already. It takes away the awkwardness of the truth. We can jump passed the “hi, how are ya?” and “I don’t eat meat” into the depth of what exists beneath the surface. No one gets tired of listening because….they can choose not to.

Rambling……..

Anywho, Its time to head home. Good night!

And so....it starts

Oh Lordie! Here we go again.

History time:

When I was in the beginning of my senior year, I had just gotten out of a relationship that was really long (for how old I was) and was looking forward to finally being single for a little while. I started hanging out with Josh A.K.A. “Woody” because he looks like the cartoon character. *Dirty little minds!! Get out of the gutter*

I’d sneak out with my brother and go to his house and we’d smoke weed and just chill. He was a really good friend!

Then…we had sex. I didn’t really want a relationship at the time but he was a sweetheart so we continued to be friends until one day he just disappeared. It was strange; he fell off the face of the earth.

Haven’t talked to him in three years.

TILL NOW

He tells me that I was “a dream” and that he really liked me but was scared of me because he could never have a girl like me…umm..ok? That’s confusing to me because I have never seen myself that way.

Anyway, one thing leads to another….history repeats itself only this time, I actually could want to pursue something with him and I’m not sure if he’s in that spot anymore…:-/

It’s ok, I want some room to myself because I just got out of a relationship but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever be able to stop messing around and give him a shot.

He’s moving to a town that’s about 45 minutes away and wants me to visit but he hasn’t said anything to me in a few days. I don’t even know if he’s trustable…I dk. Maybe he’s just the only guy who gave a shit about me in this last few days when I needed someone?

I’ll give it some time to heal, feel it out, and decide what is going to happen. Until then, I have little mental pictures of him saved in my head that I won’t share. J

Who would have thought?

Who would have thought?

I get out of one controlling relationship and then everyone who was telling me to get out wants to control me!

My brother wants to tell me that I have to come to his house every night. I don’t have to stay but he wants me there.

My mom asked where I would be living. I told her that I’d stay with her if that was ok and I’d go between her house and dad’s. She flipped. “I got a house with an extra room for you! No offence but I expect you to use it!”

I’m 20 years old. Fuck you.

Dad is trying to tell me what kind of friends to have. “You shouldn’t have friends with boyfriends right now, they’ll just push you  to date.”

So…you’re telling me that I should stop talking to all my friends because they all have boyfriends and obviously I shouldn’t talk to guy friends because they’ll want to date me? Cool. Just like my ex. I’m not allowed to have friends, go where I want to go, and I’m being told where to be…

Nothing is changing.

Nothing…

Today is a new day

“Umm…yeah. We’ve been broken up for a week now. Don’t you remember having this conversation?”

“Oh, sure , douche bag. I think I’d fucking remember if we had broken up a week ago because I wouldn’t still be living here!”

Yep, that’s how my weekend started out. Nice huh?

At first he was all nice and said that I could stay there until I got something figured out. Then, as always, he changes his mind and says he would appreciate if I left ASAP. Lucky for him I was planning on it anyway.

You see, this is a welcome change because it had gotten to the point that I was annoyed with everything he did. He couldn’t even wake up in the morning and stretch without making me want to punch him. Our relationship wasn’t working and I was just too pussy to tell him that.

Him dumping me? I honestly don’t care. I mean, it’s not working and I was too chicken shit to say it so now that I have my out, I’m taking it and running. J I’ve already changed all the contacts in my phone, started planning getting my hair done, got a personal trainer.

I’m doing shit for me now.

My life is shit. Not going to play it any other way. Now I have the full opportunity to change that completely.

Not  that I didn’t before…It’s just waving in my face now…

I guess that’s lazy and shows my lack of caring but not anymore!

Today is a new day and I’m ready to take it on full force.

Sisters Suck

My little sister is a scam artist, or a genius depending on how you look at it. Either way, she’s definitely a sales person.

She’s always had this amazing ability to convince you that you’re getting a great deal even when you know that it’s not worth it. That mixed with the fact that she’s 8 years old doesn’t help your wallet any.

She would set up these “art galleries” and have them displayed all over the house. She’d walk you through them and explain them all to you while noting the price tag on the bottom right corner. They started small at 10 cents and made it all the way up to $1.50.

She’d start by handing you 10 pictures and when you added it all up, it would cost just about $10 if not just under. I’d be like

“Hey! I don’t have that kind of extra cash hanging around. That’s too much”

So she bargains.

“Ok, well, since you’re my sister, I’ll give it all to you for $3.”

So I hand her $3.

“Thanks, Nina! Next time I’ll give you a deal.”

She does this to everyone who walks in the door! Then I realized that I just bought ten pieces of paper that she used water color on that took probably about 5 min to make.  $3 dollars for five minutes is $36 an hour!

What. The. Fuck.

She’s good.

Good Morning BLOGGER!!!!!

OK. Ok. Ok. It’s closer to afternoon now. Damn that work, it should stop interfering with my blogger time!

I know what you’re thinking. “Kristy, why don’t you just blog when you get home? Or maybe even in the morning before work?”

“Because, Blogger, I just don’t want to! I spend forever on the computer all day, the last thing I want to do is get BACK on it at night. Unless there’s school, you can forget it. GET OFF MY BACK!”

Being 20 doesn’t feel much different than 19. I’m grieving the loss of my teen years for sure but I just don’t get that “I’m a whole year older” feeling that I used to when I was younger. :-/ I miss it dammit! I want to FEEEL that year. (Ok now you’re just a creeper, NEXT)

I saw a moose this past weekend. Yes, a live, wild, MOOSE! I know, it’s stupid, I live in Colorado and have never seen one in the wild but this time I did and I felt stupid because I was one of those tourists that tried to get a picture.

Now you wait one second!! I did not STOP to take this picture, I wasn’t that bad, I just slowed and tried to get a picture.

I failed.

HELL YA! I thought about turning around.

I didn’t.

Long story short:

I saw a moose this weekend. Tried to get a picture. Didn’t. Damn.

Instead, I took one off of google and SAID that was the picture I took. They look the same (maybe they’re twins?) and whose REALLY going to know that I didn’t take it? Right?

Unless you’re THAT bored and google it. In that case…FUCK YOU! I took that picture and you’re just jealous.

 

Ain’t he cute? J

Moose are my favorite animal in case you can’t tell.

(NEXT)

Joes Crab Shack this weekend! Sister and I’s birthday. We had a complete blast! The staff must have been in a really good mood or something because they were dancing on tables and running around, we were definitely entertained.

*Now I realize you’re losing brain cells from reading this post but bear with me*

Convincing?

Ok, fine! Then have  a GREAT rest of your day! J

Bye Bye blogger!

Change

Here we go again…

When does it all end?

Today?

Tomorrow?

When?

I can’t fucking take all the nonsense anymore. It’s starting to really get to a point where it’s just too much and, quite frankly, I couldn’t give a shit less what happens at this point. I’m done putting in all the effort to get walked on by everyone and expected to do this or that. It’s dumb. I’m better than that.

I need a change in my life. STAT. No more of this loser boyfriend bull shit. No more of this full time job not being able to get school done bull shit. No more of this being controlled by retarded mother fuckers bull shit. NOTHING! NO MORE BULL SHIT.

I’m done pretending to be something I’m not. I’m done pretending that I care what they think and I’m done pretending that I believe that they actually know what they’re talking about.  I always get let down because no one keeps their word anymore. The world has become a selfish place to live and for a sensitive soul like me, it’s a rough territory.

It’s been 19 years of nonstop crap that I have to go through with people who are close to me. My own mother let me get walked on by a sick fucking poor excuse for a step dad.

It’s time for something drastic….

What?

I don’t know. I have so many options; I need to choose what the best long term solution is for me.

Only time will tell.

I can’t live like this anymore.

Hell is dragging me back...Can I hold on?

I’m trying to force myself to write again. It seems like when I think I have nothing to say, that’s actually when I have the most to say, I just don’t know it. When I know what to say, it’s never as interesting as I thought it would be. Strange… but true.

I’m starting to wonder who I am anymore. I like to think I’m the same old me but I’m definitely not. The old me would not have pushed her friends away for a stupid mother fucker like I did. The old me would absolutely not have a. stayed with this stupid fuck and b. never let him treat her this way and beat her down like he does. So, obviously, the me that I THOUGHT I was and the me that ACTUALLY is are two very different people.

I’d really like to be happy with life and content for once. For some reason, I can’t. I’m not happy, and I can’t think of anything that would actually make me happy. I complain about what I have but I don’t want to lose the benefits of it. Ugh!! I frustrate me. I’m depressed, I sleep a lot, I can’t find anything funny anymore and I never have the physical energy to do anything that needs to be done.  I don’t even have the energy to do something I want. I get headaches like crazy and can hardly remember my name, so I sit inside and waste away with this guy that, says he cares. I call bull shit.

Then I look in the mirror and I ask…Why? I know I’m strong, I know I’m stubborn, I know I’m smart, and I know I could do this alone and I don’t need help from anyone. Yet here I am….

I’ve faded into a different person. The outside is still here, but the inside is gone.  Even that’s not true. The inside is still there, just too afraid to come out. Every time I think about it, I “decide” that I’m going to stop being a push over, and I’m going to start living for me and being happy…then, here I am.

I wish I could cry.

But I can’t. I’ve never been able to just cry because I’m depressed or sad or stressed and to this day, that hasn’t changed. There are no tears, just hidden emotions that I don’t share with anyone. I put on a smile and I look pretty and I play the sweet girl that everyone loves because I’m too proud to tell the truth. I’m too proud to say that I’ve let life take the upper hand, I’m too proud to say that I was wrong. So I’ll deny it. I won’t ask for help because I can do it on my own.

At least I’m not using. My sobriety comes first and that’s not a joke. At least I’m sticking by that. The demons whisper to me in the dark times. They beg me to come and play as they remind me of the good times that I had with them and dance around me like children pulling me towards a beautiful light. Then, Just as I’m about to give in to their teasing and luring me with tales of beautiful and happy days, an angel (whom I have yet to learn the name) flips on the light switch and shows my memories for what they really are.

Snippets of memory that fill a whole .5% of all the time that I spent in hell. An even darker hole that I slipped into and made myself believe that I was actually happier there. Oh no, I wasn’t happier, it was worse. Its still scary that hell is pulling and coursing me to come back and I’m actually contemplating compliance.

Something has got to change.

…..Soon

Stress, Its a killer

Here we are again at the end of another day and…well….I really have nothing to report.  I didn’t end up staying home and running errands today because the DMV pulled a fast one and closed on Fridays. I’m glad I found this out before it was too late because it would look really bad if I took off a Friday and then a Monday.

This is day 9 of being sick and its getting really old. My headaches won’t go away and all I ever want to do is sleep.  I’m tired of being tired all the time; it makes me feel like I’m missing out on life. For some reason lately, I get this feeling like I’m running out of time. It hit me suddenly that I’ll never get “today” back so I need to not regret anything I do.

I’m 19…..I have PLENTY of time….(I’m out of my mind and even I see that)

Frustration with the current situation is creeping more and more over me, pulling the black curtain (that is surprisingly very heavy) over my eyes until I find some way to release it. I’m beginning to remember exactly why I used all those times. The stress and the headaches are a reminder of that. Thank goodness I had a two year barrier between then and now. I at least have some base to stand on no matter how flimsy it still is. It is tough to push myself through sober, daily, stress but I’m learning to live it minute by minute. The problem is that I’m trying to find healthy outlets for this stress and “black curtain ness” but running only makes the headache worse, cigs only make me more sleepy, dancing has the same effect as running…Hmm… Looks like advil is going to become my new best friend in all of this because it’s not healthy to sit inside and reflect on how angry I am. That only has two outcomes:

1)EXPLOSION-raises blood pressure

2)Using- obvious outcome

Both of those are hazardous to me.

I’ve found that Kino is a HUGE part of this. He makes me happy, keeps me responsible, loves me when I feel like no one else does (another issue I have, I’m WAY too emotional and quick to jump the gun on other people’s emotions) and he helps keep me motivated to run in spite of my headaches. He was the BEST worst decision I’ve ever made.  *I say that with all the love in my heart*

Suddenly the “nothing” that I had to report turned into a spilling of emotions that I knew I had but never shared with my online diary. This, when you think about it, is strange considering that this is the only place that I CAN share this with and have nothing else to worry about.

It turns out that I have more to say than even I thought I did. Maybe I should just sit and write out of boredom all the time because even though I’ve taken 4 advil, this seems to be helping my head. “Stress, It’s a killer” this quote never made sense to me until now.

 

Dance Dance!

Finally, after a few months of looking (and procrastinating) I think I have finally found my new dance school! :-) I get a free month's "tester" and then I'll get a placement. I'm pretty excited about this "tester" because it allows me to get a feel for the school and the dances and allows them to, essentially, get a feel for me too. I'll be placed where they think I'd best fit so that I'm not thrown into a pit of sharks but I'm not swimming with the snails either.

This is all very new and strange to me because I've been with the same company for over 7 years now so I've never had to go through this selection process and being weeded out. Its a bit intimidating to be honest. I'm expected to be this AMAZING dancer...well...I have news for you....

This girl is self conscious about EVERYTHING. I've always doubted my dancing skills not to mention, they have completely different steps so I DO have to learn everything over again. Which is dumb.


Wish me luck!!

Blech...

I'm sick for the first time all year!!!! :-( I hate being sick in the summer. It started on Wednesday and I thought it was just my allergies acting up or something but as it turns out, I'm sick.

My brother brought over his new car the other day.
Yes, my 17 year old brother got a turbo with only 50,000 miles on it. Oh what it would be like to be the favorite child. I have nothing against my brother, don't get me wrong. My mom has just never had much of a liking for me. Can't tell you why, all I know is that its always been this way. I'm happy for my brother though considering he's all alone (besides me) because my mom left him so she could be in DC. He had a POS before that had almost 300,000 miles on it and I was constantly towing it out of wherever it would breakdown at. (I don't know why I'm so picture happy today...Just go with it)

So its good to know that my brother is safe...well...kinda. I mean, now he just has a turbo to go to the street races with. :-) Can't say that I wouldn't join him though.

Tired of all the cry babies and attention

WHORES!!!!!


Really getting tired of all the whining about people's feelings being hurt and how it's not fair that they have to have their feelings hurt when most of these people have no fucking care for anyone else on this planet.

Selfish, attention whoring, cry baby, bastards!!!

Words of anger and hate....Over

I was reading some reviews on that new movie, 30 minutes or less, when I hear about this family speaking out against it. Calling it sick and wrong and now its becoming a huge controversy.

Naturally I watched the preview to see what was going on.

I thought it looked really funny.

So I go back and see what all the fuss is about and its some sister crying about how someone is purposely making fun of her brother and the entire country is out to laugh at a tragic situation...PUHLEEZ...

Honey, YOU are NOT that important. Half (if not more) of the country has no fucking clue who you are or what your story is. (Not that its not a heart breaking and terrible story. My heart goes out to their family for their loss) Honestly, why does everyone think that we need to cater to every one's "feelings"?!?! Since when did we all turn into a bunch of babies?

Its made to be funny, a JOKE!! Live a little people.

There isn't a single human out there who hasn't made some sort of joke about death, race, gender, hair color, disabilities...etc. Just because you joke, doesn't mean you have anything against that person, it just means that you can have a good time and not take yourself so seriously.

Come on people!! Stop crying for attention and sympathy and grow up. Have fun in life and laugh at the jokes. Take serious what needs to be taken serious and let the rest go. We only get 100 years and they go too quickly to be worried about Joe Schmoe and what he thinks is funny....

New found happiness?

Today was a big day!

First, I'm in TCS and was able to keep my thoughts to myself. What would have normally begun a back and forth bickering match, became a positive nudge at one of my new found friends.

Speaking of new found friends, I have become (I feel) like a "part" of TCS. When I first joined, I didn't know what to say, what to imput, if anyone would care what I had to say, etc. Now, I look forward to reading the blogs of my fellow TCSers and having (short) conversations with them be it "hi how are ya?" to a good debate about one political issue or another.

Lame? Maybe. But I'm happy none the less. :-)

This or that?

Choices, choices, choices!!!!

I feel like I'm in the middle of a room with doors all around and they all have some positives and negatives and all very exciting but you can only choose one.

I'm in the middle of a life changing...well.. itch really. There's nothing wrong with the way I live life now but I'm starting to wonder if the grass ain't greener somewhere else. I work a full 40 hour week and go to school online as of right now. I drive 70 miles to work every day and sit alone on a computer. Sure, it pays good and I'm by no means complaining about it, I just think that there are plenty of other options out there that, if I dont' utilize now, will never be available to me again.

For example, I used to live in my own house and pay all my own bills but rent went up and I just couldn't afford it alone anymore (not to mention, I kicked out the ass hole) so now I live with family. I still pay all my own bills but I'm saving much more money, which I love. Having spare cash is something I've never been able to do and growing up with a...middle class (we had nice things and never went hungry. We even went on amazing vacations but that took saving up) family, its nice to be able to splurge a bit here and there.

At the same time, I wonder what it would be like to work part time and be able to spend the rest of my time doing what I want to do. Or maybe working a job that has three 12 hour days and more "days off" or something like that. That way, while I'm young, I can enjoy staying up late and doing things I like. Not to mention, I'd get more time for school work because, at the moment, its very difficult to find any.

What to do?