A Painful Memory

So, I'm going through an old email that I haven't used in at least a year. I found a letter that I wrote to myself when I was with him. It hurts to read still but it was nice to read it and see how much my mind changed.

Why is it that every time you think you're doing something right, something 
always goes wrong? Can I not make anyone happy? Should I even be here? Do I make 
anyone happy? Can anyone love me? Why do I always feel like I'm the one who is 
being ignored? Am I not important to anyone? 

Sometimes I wish I was invisible. Then I'd know why no one cares. I'd understand 
why I'm never heard or never doing anything right. If no one could see me or 
hear me, I wouldn't have to worry if everyone else is happy. I'd be a ghost. I 
wouldn't have to wonder why I dont matter. I wouldn't exist. Why can't I be 
happy alone? Why can't I be happy at all? 

I feel like for my whole life I've been doing nothing but trying to please 
everyone. I put my thoughts and wants and fears aside for everyone yet no one 
notices. 

It hurts more knowing that im not invisible and no one notices the things I do. 
No one sees that I try to do everything I can to make them happy and it's never 
enough. 

I dont go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone yet I'm accused of all these 
things. Why is that? No matter who im with, they always accuse me of the same 
things. Why do I devote my life to someone and they can't see it? 

Justin saw it. He always appreciated me. He knew what I went through and he 
understood me. He never got tired o hearing me, never got upset when I was. He 
listened to me. He saw what was wrong with me and loved me anyways. Why does 
everything good leave me? What's wrong with me? Will anyone ever love me? 

Will anyone ever understand me?my mom, my brother, dad even, they dont get me 
and who I am. I will never know. So what so I do? 

I wish for happiness I pray for happiness. Will it ever come? Is there something 
wrong with me? Am I to blame for my whole life?     
Would everyone be happier if I was gone? Would they even notice? 

When I was little, I used to cry myself to sleep and think "one day I'll be 
happy! One day I'll look at me and say how happy I am that I made myself happy 
all by myself" but here I am. Still silently crying myself to sleep hoping that 
one day I have a happy life. I hope i do one day. I want to be happy. I just 
don't know how. Part of me is afraid to be happy. What if I'm so happy that one 
day I lose everything and it's gone? At least when in sad I know that it can't 
get any worse. Right? Do I deserve to be happy? 

I wish I could look into the future and know what I need to do. I want to take 
the easy way out now and have someone give me the answers. Who am I? Who am I 
supposed to be? Who loves me? Who doesn't? Why does everyone think they can tell 
me what to do? Why does everyone assume they know everything about me? 

I've been told my whole life how smart I am. Really? If in so fucking smart, why 
can't I answer my own questions? Why can't I figure out how to make myself 
happy? Why does no one love me? Why does no one try to understand me? Fucking 
smart little kristina really knows NOTHIG she's an idiot! She ruins everything 
and can't even seem to figure out why!!!!!!! That right Censored, you heard me!! 
You're stupid, youre lazy, youre fat because you don't do anything about it. You 
can't answer ur own questions because you suck at life and no one knows why you 
even try. You were a mistake from the beginning and thats never going to change. 
Everyone thinks so. They tell you all the time, you just fight it! 

Stop fucking fighting and open your god damn eyes
YOURE WORTHLESS! 
Reality hurts. Get used to it. 

Learn to do shit on your own or die. Nature! Figure it out retard. There's a 
message to you CENSORED! when will you learn?