I’m really getting tired of feeling like I have to make other people happy and they all seem to walk all over me. I’m way too nice, way too giving, and way to respectful of other people’s feelings to actually put my foot down where I should. At the end of the day, I always end up wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
I asked if my brother wanted to pitch on a carton of cigs with me but he said he didn’t have the money. So I get them anyway. All fucking week, they have been taking my cigs without asking and thinking that it’s just ok. Umm.. I’m not made of money. I’ll share but you can’t just take all you want for free. Especially not after you drank all my fruit juice, hot chocolate, and ate all my food before I got any of it. Why? Because you were drunk, that makes it all ok? What the fuck ever.
You call me if I’m not home within 10 minutes of when I’m supposed to be because you have Kino but all fucking week when I come home at the same fucking time, I end up having to wait an hour for you to let me in the door because you decided to wait until 5:00 to run your errands when you wake up at noon. When you finally pull into the garage, your music is loud enough to hurt my ears in the parking garage and you have my dog in the back!!!! Dog=10x better at hearing than your dumb ass! Seriously?
I give K all the cigs, money, rides, whatever he fucking wants and what do I get? Last on the list. I get led on and made to believe that I have something I don’t and then I feel too stupid to ask about it because I feel like I’d be being pushy or clingy. I’m over the mind games. I wish my head didn’t come up with all this shit. I wish I didn’t have any expectations of people, really. That would make life a shit ton easier.
No, actually, I wish I just didn’t care. I wish I didn’t care that they are my family, or my friends, or what’s “right v.s. wrong”. I wish I was just like everyone else. This shit isn’t funny to me. I’m not laughing with you when you say that you drank all my juice or that you ate all my shit. Wanna know why? Because you never buy your own shit. You bitch because there’s never any food but when I buy it, you won’t hesitate to go right the fuck ahead and eat it, will ya? Well, where’s mine, bastards? For real!!!!
I pay my own bills, feed myself, get my own cigs, pay for my own fucking dog and now I have to pay for your gay asses too? Where the fuck does your money go? Why am I the catch all for the shit that you guys want to throw? Whatever.
I wish I could say it would stop here. Unfortunately, I know me and I know what is going to happen. I’m going to vent to all of you mother fuckers and playing tough until I get home and my brother says sorry for something that he did and I’ll say “its ok nig, you’ll get me back.” Except I know that he won’t. He used to but lately, he doesn’t care anymore. Then K will text me and I’ll jump at the phone and answer him as fast as I can.
Yep….I’m a pushover.
It’s my own fault though.
I put too much thought into how I’d feel in that situation.
One day, I will be stronger than this and I’ll make sure that I don’t get walked on anymore. Until then, I’m filled with wonder, anxiety, anger, grief, and wishing that I could get out. Wishing that I had somewhere else to go and not have to sit here and let more people walk all over me just like before. Soon though, I’ll get out. I just need to find a new job and get another place to myself. This is a learning experience for who I want and don’t want in my life. I don’t want or need to be taken care of or supported and I sure as fuck don’t want to be a babysitter or caretaker of someone else either. I really want someone who is equal to me to go through life with me. Not before me, not after me, with me.
I’m not going to be held down anymore.
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