A letter to him

Dear L,

I'm not sure where to begin exactly. This is FINALLY my chance to tell you everything I've wanted to say for the last 4 years.

I"M DONE!!!

Fuck you and all the bull shit you put me through. You deserve whatever comes your way at this point because you bring it all on yourself. You're selfish and childish and in for a rude awakening when you find out that the world does NOT revolve around you.

You've used your mind games to make me feel lower than dirt for long enough and now its time for you to have to experience your own games....alone. I thought I'd be sad to write this to you but actually its opening so many doors for me! I'm going to finish school my way because YOU aren't going to weigh me down with your excuse after excuse of why you can't do your own work. I'm going to get a job that I LIKE because I won't have to worry about what you think of me working. You never wanted me to work. If you could have it your way, I'd be locked in the house alone all day and wait for you. My whole world would revolve around you if it was your decision.

Look at it this way, now you have all the time in the world to spend with your porn. :-) You don't have to thank me now. I get it. You now can devote your ENTIRE day to porn. Those girls will never get boring because it doesn't matter if its 1 in the morning, they'll always be waiting for you. You don't have to worry about staying hard anymore because...they'll never know. Its looking like a win win situation for both of us.

I don't care what you think of me. You can call me a whore, slut, cunt, bitch, whatever you want. I've heard it all before and it doesn't phase me anymore. You've been cruel and down right mean which I now thank you for because it'll only make me stronger knowing that you'll spend the rest of your life alone. Just like your father. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

There's an app on your phone, its called a calendar, that you can use to remind you to brush your teeth and pay your bills. I'm sure it won't be as nagging as me....but you'll like that too.

Oh! I almost forgot, you will now have all the free time in the world to play video games.

I'll also have enough money to finally fix the car that you forced me to get but wouldn't help me fix. Even though it left me in the middle of downtown at night. Now you can stay at home and do your thing with your $25,000 car while I rely on people who actually care to help me fix mine.

I can actually be ME again. A person that I almost forgot existed because she embarrassed you or told jokes that were "stupid" which just means that you're too stupid to understand. I can play my music, and watch movies that actually have a plot and dance and go for runs and eat what I want and talk to whoever I want.

Believe it or not, I used to have a lot of friends until you came along. They all left when you got here and the ones that didn't, you forced out.

You're too insecure with yourself to be able to handle the fact that SOMEONE might actually want to be my friend. You can't even handle me talking to GIRLS!! But you can go hang out with your "friends" FUCK YOU!!

BASTARD!!

Yeah, I said it. FUCK YOU and your double standards bull shit. I can't even read cosmo because it has guys in it but you watch porn for HOURS A DAY? I can't have a nice conversation with someone from work because they are a man so I'm obviously fucking him but you can talk to the bitch who flashed you and asked to suck your dick? Umm NO!!!!

I've learned to HATE that I love you. Unfortunately, I can't STOP loving you. So I'm going to leave you and hate who you are but love the "idea" of you. That way I can actually be happy in life and you can do whatever the fuck it is you think is necessary to sustain your existence. I don't give a shit anymore if you have to go live with mommy. She wipes your ass for you anyway, why can't you live in her house? Its embarrassing?

SHE BOUGHT YOUR CAR!!! Sure, you make payments on it but you could have never gotten it without you. Even I tied up my credit for another car for YOU. You've had 5 cars and 11 (yes, FUCKING ELEVEN) jobs in the time we've been together. Nothing will ever be good enough for you....EVER.

You're a nasty, backstabbing, snaky, little bitch who can't survive on his own but will step on anyone that you have to to get what you want.

You hate my 10 and 8 year old sisters because they annoy you? Or because they charge you a quarter for every cuss word you say? They like to fucking play you dick! I know its not about you so its hard for you to understand where they're coming from....but just because they are in your house doesn't mean that you can cuss like a sailor and watch violent films because you "don't like" what they watch.

I could go on for days about all the reasons that I fucking hate you but I'm done wasting my time on your useless existence. I'm leaving.

Good luck with whatever bull shit excuse of a life you have left.

Hmmm....

I'm starting to get headaches again. That means that I'll be forced to see a doctor by everyone and their mother because they're worried about me. They don't understand that I HAVE seen doctors for this and every time they give me a different answer. Basically, they can't figure out what is wrong or whats causing this to happen.

The headaches are migranes and, really, anything can set them off. It usually makes it so I can't see out of one eye for a while. The most its ever been is a day or two. I'll lose hearing from time to time. Thats just annoying more than anything. It doesn't hurt and I can tell when its going to happen because they'll ring for about 15 minutes before that goes away.

Last year, I was getting light headed and passing out so I'm glad that stopped.

I've seen doctor after doctor and they can never seem to tell me what it is so I've learned to deal with it.

No one else has though. I know they're just trying to help and trying to care but they just don't understand that I'm tired of being tested and asked questions and losing work time for something that they can't seem to find the fix for.

OMFG!!!

HE WROTE BACK!!!!

My. Zakaree. Wrote. Back.

A while ago in TCS I came across a thread about first loves and people you can't let go. This got me thinking...Which turned into obsession because he's all I COULD Think about.

So I thought I'd write a letter (I only have an address in Iowa. No phone numbers) to him and wait.....I sent the letter 3 weeks ago. I had given up thinking that either 1)he had moved or 2) he wasn't interested anymore.

I let it go..

This morning, right when I needed him most, there he was. He answered.

Thats the push that I needed to make everything better. :-) My heart has been his since I was 8 years old and it will always be his. Now, I know that he actually wants it. He wants me.

Nothing has changed.

:-D I haven't been this happy in..well..a long ass time.

*~* Frustration *~*

This time though, its with myself.

I don't understand why I let him walk all over me and never do anything about it. I SHOULD have left a long time ago but here I am writing about it instead of changing my situation. I know in my head that I'm stupid for staying here and taking all of the bull shit and actually letting him convince me that I couldn't do any better. I always thought I was a tougher more strong willed person but it turnes out that I CAN be controlled by simple psychological tactics and not realize it until its too late. Lately I've been realizing that this is crap and I need to move on and for once I'm not second guessing myself. It feels like the end is finally getting closer and its because something is giving me the power and strength to build myself up as far as self esteem goes to fully leave and never look back.

Monetarily and as far as recources go, I'm completely self sufficient. My emotions are what is keeping me here with him. He has somehow managed to convince me that everything that has ever happened that was wrong was my fault and that he is the *best* guy there is for me and, should I ever leave, I'll never find someone as good as him that would "put up with me and my bull shit".

 The sad part?

I actually believed all that for a while. I haven't seen any therapists, I haven't seen any councelors and I HAVENT told anyone about this because I already know what they would say. Exactly what ANYONE with a right mind would say. Leave him! Then I'd agree that they were right and I'd chicken out and then i'd look like the idiot for not doing anything about it.

Its happened before.

I feel like I'm finally reaching the end of my rope here and it's all because I'm (somehow) able to pull myself out of this hole all on my own. Of course I have the support of my amazing brother which helps a lot. He's the only person who can fully understand what I'm going through and, even though I know it annoys him or frustrates him sometimes to hear all the fucked up stuff he does to me, support me through it.

I'm almost embarassed just to THINK about the things he's done and said to me that I've just forgiven. Its stupid and I was NEVER like this with boyfriends before. I was able to put my foot down and be treated with respect and actually have a fun, loving relationship rather that a dictatorship where I've been appointed number 1 prisoner. No thank you. This does not sound fun to me and I can't believe that I continue to put up with it. Over and over and over.

Slut.Whore.Bitch. Shut the fuck up.I hate you. You're worthless. Don't piss me off. Are you trying to make me angry?Tramp.

Oh I could make the list go on and these are just his FAVORITES. Theres other random ones that he comes up with but there's too many to remember.

I'm getting too worked up at work to write this, I'll have to finish it later. Sorry guys.

WTF

What a hell of a week!!! Well, the boss that has been harassing me for the past three months got fired. I had requested that he be talked to and someone else made my boss but apparently after all the evidence that I had presented, corporate thought differently....most uncomfortable morning of my life. He wasn't happy with me. I thought about it and I actually don't give a shit. He is a 33 year old man who prides himself on being in the Navy. By that point in your life, if you don't have a sense of what is acceptable behavior and what isn't, then its a personal problem. Especially when that person has asked you nicely to stop and had conversations with you before reporting you. DUMB FUCK! Whatever, M is my new boss now and I love her to death. She's fantastic so even though my request for him to stay and just leave me alone didn't work out, I'm happy with the outcome.

Yesterday was rough for me. I couldn't stop thinking about J. I can't believe that its already been 4 years. For some reason though, this year was different. Usually I'm just sad and depressed and missing him. This time, I actually felt like he was trying to communicate with me. :-) I saw those red jeeps EVERYWHERE and out of the 5000 songs on my Ipod, the only three that were his favorites played over and over. Also, the lighter that he gave me that has been missing for months just showed up in my car....that I've only had for a month...coincidence? I think not!! He's finally here again. With me! :-) I have never believed in all this talking after someone has passed stuff but after yesterday, my mind has been changed. I actually had a good day after all of that stuff. Only problem was that I stayed up WAY too late and made work very difficult.

I've also decided to go on some sort of weight loss "thing". Not really a diet, just a way of losing weight by being mindful of what I eat and how much. Also, I want to get more active so I'm hoping Kino will join me. (Kino is the new baby husky) For a while in high school, I was restricting calories to 300 a day and then I found that drugs have the same effect just much faster!! Well since those two things are out of the question considering the promise of sobriety that I made after J passed, I am finally going to try to do it the healthier way. I teach a dance class on Fridays so I'll just be more active while teaching and I'll start taking an extra class on Monday. Since I finished my finals, I don't have to think about school again until August at least!!

Any other Ideas????? Anyone?? I'm open!!

Making tough choices

The past two days have been pretty rough on me. I finally decided to ask for help on a problem that I have been having for quite some time now. I was very surprised and grateful for all the constructive help I had gotten. After all the things that L said (you're crazy, just the psycho girlfriend who wants to control me etc.) I had actually started to believe that I was just being stupid and the only problem was within me but I swallowed my fear and got ready for criticism when I posted the question. To my surprise, everyone in the CS was amazingly supportive and helpful and I gained a lot of insight from everyone who gave me advice and help. The only problem was the conclusion I finally came to. After discussing with everyone exactly what was going on, the only actual solution (or at least an attempt) was for me to pack up and leave. It might serve as a wake up call or it might not but at least I'd regain my sanity. I finally realized exactly why I hold on to him so tight!! J**!! He knew J and he was the first person I dated after I accepted J being gone, he was so supportive and understanding that I think I fell in love with him very fast and that's whats making it hard to let go. I don't know how I'm going to, and I know its going to be hard but my hope is that L will get better and learn to be happy again.

** J was my best friend/boyfriend all through middle/high school. He passed away in a car accident during my Sophomore year along with another good friend of mine, R. Losing my boyfriend and best friend like that when I did all I could to save him was hard. To see him lying there and nothing I could do to change it still haunts my dreams to this day. I loved him.

Different but excited

I didn't have my other blog for that long but, in a way, I'm glad I got blocked out of it. It was a good beginner blog but I think I want to take a different approach than the last one. I renamed my Coffee Shop display to Censored also. Its more fitting because in my daily life, I have to be censored and keep my thoughts to myself. I go on auto pilot and turn into the friendliest robot you'll ever meet. In my own head though, I'm much different. I have a VERY low tolerance for bull shit but the people I love tend to walk all over me. I'm too trusting of people and too quick to judge others. I'm very open about any topic except for politics, and there isn't much you could say that would shock me. I'm a recovering addict (clean for a little over two years now) and its the best decision I've ever made. I enjoy helping people by giving advice and sharing my stories in the hopes that someone somewhere was inspired by my experiences and can help themselves based off of that. I have experienced a lot more than most people my age and I have been to hell and back but I'm proud of where I'm at and am glad to say that it actually taught me a lot about people in general. It made me become more understanding and accepting of others and their choices. Hello to all of you who remember me and welcome to those of you that don't. Thank you for whatever interest you've taken in me and my bipolar self and I hope that (if nothing else) you enjoy reading. :-)