Yep, I'm over it

It’s sad and pathetic how guys get sometimes. I have one following me around and another one getting mad that I’m not including him in my “journal” even though I’ve said before that I made them private. He wants to challenge who I’m writing about and weather or not I’m getting his text messages. He thinks that I should be dropping everything to talk to him and go out of my way to bend over backwards and tell him that he matters to me.

I’m not that girl.

I wouldn’t talk to you if you didn’t matter to me. I’m not into the cheesy “I’ll do everything for you” bull shit.

Come on!

I just got out of a three year shit relationship and you’re worried about how I make YOU feel? Really? Get over yourself.

Apparently I suck at being me and you should just do it for me? Ya? Would that make you happy?

Here’s my question:

What the fuck makes you think that you’re so fucking special that after everything I’ve been through, you have the right to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing for YOU? I don’t even get online to tell my dad that my phone isn’t working and, here’s something else, I didn’t even know my phone wasn’t working until my dad called the work phone to see if I was ok. So, please excuse me for not magically knowing that you were trying with all your heart to reach me because I had no idea there was a fucking problem.

I know, it’s my fault, I should have known better because I should be putting you first, COMPLETELY.

Fuck off.

That’s what I have to say about that. I haven’t even gotten to do what I want to for a month before you freak the fuck out about how important you think you should be. No way dude. If I wanted a guy like that, I’d have kept the last one.

And making assumptions about who I’m talking about is pretty fuckin retarded too. You look so stupid when you try to play detective and act like you’re a bad ass and it turns out that this guy that you are getting all jealous of (which ironically is the same person Logan was all pissy about) Is actually my uncle who has cancer that I just got back in touch with. I’d like to take a moment to applaud your amazing skills and your ability to completely fuck it all up…again…because…AGAIN…you were wrong.

So, you’ve done a fantastic job! You have succeeded in making yourself exactly like the person I’ve told you about so many times that I hate. I’m glad I learned this early on.

Grass ain't always greener....Better start watering

I’m really getting tired of feeling like I have to make other people happy and they all seem to walk all over me. I’m way too nice, way too giving, and way to respectful of other people’s feelings to actually put my foot down where I should. At the end of the day, I always end up wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

I asked if my brother wanted to pitch on a carton of cigs with me but he said he didn’t have the money. So I get them anyway. All fucking week, they have been taking my cigs without asking and thinking that it’s just ok. Umm.. I’m not made of money. I’ll share but you can’t just take all you want for free. Especially not after you drank all my fruit juice, hot chocolate, and ate all my food before I got any of it. Why? Because you were drunk, that makes it all ok? What the fuck ever.

You call me if I’m not home within 10 minutes of when I’m supposed to be because you have Kino but all fucking week when I come home at the same fucking time, I end up having to wait an hour for you to let me in the door because you decided to wait until 5:00 to run your errands when you wake up at noon. When you finally pull into the garage, your music is loud enough to hurt my ears in the parking garage and you have my dog in the back!!!! Dog=10x better at hearing than your dumb ass! Seriously?

I give K all the cigs, money, rides, whatever he fucking wants and what do I get? Last on the list. I get led on and made to believe that I have something I don’t and then I feel too stupid to ask about it because I feel like I’d be being pushy or clingy. I’m over the mind games. I wish my head didn’t come up with all this shit. I wish I didn’t have any expectations of people, really. That would make life a shit ton easier.

No, actually, I wish I just didn’t care. I wish I didn’t care that they are my family, or my friends, or what’s “right v.s. wrong”. I wish I was just like everyone else. This shit isn’t funny to me. I’m not laughing with you when you say that you drank all my juice or that you ate all my shit. Wanna know why? Because you never buy your own shit. You bitch because there’s never any food but when I buy it, you won’t hesitate to go right the fuck ahead and eat it, will ya? Well, where’s mine, bastards? For real!!!!

I pay my own bills, feed myself, get my own cigs, pay for my own fucking dog and now I have to pay for your gay asses too? Where the fuck does your money go? Why am I the catch all for the shit that you guys want to throw? Whatever.

I wish I could say it would stop here. Unfortunately, I know me and I know what is going to happen. I’m going to vent to all of you mother fuckers and playing tough until I get home and my brother says sorry for something that he did and I’ll say “its ok nig, you’ll get me back.” Except I know that he won’t. He used to but lately, he doesn’t care anymore. Then K will text me and I’ll jump at the phone and answer him as fast as I can.

Yep….I’m a pushover.

It’s my own fault though.

I put too much thought into how I’d feel in that situation.

One day, I will be stronger than this and I’ll make sure that I don’t get walked on anymore. Until then, I’m filled with wonder, anxiety, anger, grief, and wishing that I could get out. Wishing that I had somewhere else to go and not have to sit here and let more people walk all over me just like before. Soon though, I’ll get out. I just need to find a new job and get another place to myself. This is a learning experience for who I want and don’t want in my life. I don’t want or need to be taken care of or supported and I sure as fuck don’t want to be a babysitter or caretaker of someone else either. I really want someone who is equal to me to go through life with me. Not before me, not after me, with me.

I’m not going to be held down anymore.

A Painful Memory

So, I'm going through an old email that I haven't used in at least a year. I found a letter that I wrote to myself when I was with him. It hurts to read still but it was nice to read it and see how much my mind changed.

Why is it that every time you think you're doing something right, something 
always goes wrong? Can I not make anyone happy? Should I even be here? Do I make 
anyone happy? Can anyone love me? Why do I always feel like I'm the one who is 
being ignored? Am I not important to anyone? 

Sometimes I wish I was invisible. Then I'd know why no one cares. I'd understand 
why I'm never heard or never doing anything right. If no one could see me or 
hear me, I wouldn't have to worry if everyone else is happy. I'd be a ghost. I 
wouldn't have to wonder why I dont matter. I wouldn't exist. Why can't I be 
happy alone? Why can't I be happy at all? 

I feel like for my whole life I've been doing nothing but trying to please 
everyone. I put my thoughts and wants and fears aside for everyone yet no one 
notices. 

It hurts more knowing that im not invisible and no one notices the things I do. 
No one sees that I try to do everything I can to make them happy and it's never 
enough. 

I dont go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone yet I'm accused of all these 
things. Why is that? No matter who im with, they always accuse me of the same 
things. Why do I devote my life to someone and they can't see it? 

Justin saw it. He always appreciated me. He knew what I went through and he 
understood me. He never got tired o hearing me, never got upset when I was. He 
listened to me. He saw what was wrong with me and loved me anyways. Why does 
everything good leave me? What's wrong with me? Will anyone ever love me? 

Will anyone ever understand me?my mom, my brother, dad even, they dont get me 
and who I am. I will never know. So what so I do? 

I wish for happiness I pray for happiness. Will it ever come? Is there something 
wrong with me? Am I to blame for my whole life?     
Would everyone be happier if I was gone? Would they even notice? 

When I was little, I used to cry myself to sleep and think "one day I'll be 
happy! One day I'll look at me and say how happy I am that I made myself happy 
all by myself" but here I am. Still silently crying myself to sleep hoping that 
one day I have a happy life. I hope i do one day. I want to be happy. I just 
don't know how. Part of me is afraid to be happy. What if I'm so happy that one 
day I lose everything and it's gone? At least when in sad I know that it can't 
get any worse. Right? Do I deserve to be happy? 

I wish I could look into the future and know what I need to do. I want to take 
the easy way out now and have someone give me the answers. Who am I? Who am I 
supposed to be? Who loves me? Who doesn't? Why does everyone think they can tell 
me what to do? Why does everyone assume they know everything about me? 

I've been told my whole life how smart I am. Really? If in so fucking smart, why 
can't I answer my own questions? Why can't I figure out how to make myself 
happy? Why does no one love me? Why does no one try to understand me? Fucking 
smart little kristina really knows NOTHIG she's an idiot! She ruins everything 
and can't even seem to figure out why!!!!!!! That right Censored, you heard me!! 
You're stupid, youre lazy, youre fat because you don't do anything about it. You 
can't answer ur own questions because you suck at life and no one knows why you 
even try. You were a mistake from the beginning and thats never going to change. 
Everyone thinks so. They tell you all the time, you just fight it! 

Stop fucking fighting and open your god damn eyes
YOURE WORTHLESS! 
Reality hurts. Get used to it. 

Learn to do shit on your own or die. Nature! Figure it out retard. There's a 
message to you CENSORED! when will you learn? 

Random thoughs spewed out....Hmm?

There are no thoughts in my head lately. The days are blurring together, my creativity is gone and I can’t think of anything that’s new or exciting yet here I sit jotting down words that must be flowing from somewhere.

I’m not in my usual stage of depression though. I’d call it “indifferent”. That seems like the best word for my moods. I haven’t been happy with the way things are, but they aren’t upsetting me either. I’ve closed off the feelings of emotion which is why I think that the days are running together and my separation of time is struggling.

I got my Halloween costume. Halloween is my favorite day of the year because hair and makeup has always been my favorite thing. I don’t wear the skimpy/slutty outfits that most girls do around this time; I like to wear intricate costumes and ones that you’ll never forget. After a while all the ass cheeks and boobs look the same but I want to be the one that is remembered because I was different and it looked cool. Off topic……OK! So I’m going to be the dark hatter from Malice in Wonderland which requires black and white…THAT’S IT! This is going to be one of the tougher costumes I’ve ever worn because I can’t use colors to accent what is supposed to be happening. Challenge accepted. I’m not wearing the exact costume in the set though. I just bought the hat, the suit coat, and the coffee tie. The rest is going to be improvised and changed up a bit. I have black hairspray for my hair and, of course, there’s going to be lots of makeup!  Enough about me being Halloween’s poster child.

Ah Ha! Blogging always brings my mood up for some reason. I think it’s because you actually listen to what I have to say and I can be as energetic/insane as I want! I’ve heard someone call “you” her imaginary friend and it somewhat makes sense. I’m not speaking to anyone in general but these are words that I don’t want to lose, that have value. I’m writing to myself but I’m posting it where the world can see should they choose to do so. Somewhere safe, somewhere where there is anonymity. I want to share my thoughts with someone, anyone who cares enough to read them for whatever value they get from them yet I don’t want to know this person. I could GET to know this person but I don’t want to know them already. It takes away the awkwardness of the truth. We can jump passed the “hi, how are ya?” and “I don’t eat meat” into the depth of what exists beneath the surface. No one gets tired of listening because….they can choose not to.

Rambling……..

Anywho, Its time to head home. Good night!