Saw a side of me tonight I haven't seen in a while. A loooooong while. I'm not sure why it happened really. I was laying on the couch in and out of sleep when I woke up and just felt alone, sad, depressed, with a little anxiety mixed in.
When I was younger, I would feel this way a lot. Especially in the summer when school was out. I'd have a friend over and the whole time they were there, all I could think of was that they would leave soon and I'd once again be alone. They'd leave....there it was. Loneliness, feeling like I'd never get better.
I hadn't felt that way since I was in eighth grade. Until tonight.
I got a new car. On a whim really. I am back and forth between regretting it and loving it.
Other than that, nothing is that new in my life but here's that same old feeling.
Music, no mater what kind, only makes it worse but silence has the same effect. I want to talk to someone but feel like that would only make things worse. So I turn toyou. Venting my problems to an online diary hoping to get feed back from the online world that keeps me safe while learning all my secrets. Good and bad.
It's strange how people can say they care for you so much one day and the next dAy you're just chopped liver. Why am I so dispensable?
They say I'm the most amazon person they've ever met but here I am, alone.
I can never decide what I want. Sometimes all I want is some time alone but when I get it, I just want people.
I don't like this old me and her ugly sadness. I thought it was gone but I suppose it's beginning again. My evil twin coming to wreak havoc on my existence to test my drive and ability to pull through.
I did it once before but this time I'm not so sure.
I don't know what I need or want. I DO know I don't want this though.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I suppose you could say that. The movie, Christine, yes, I was named after a psychotic '58 Plymouth Fury
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Hmm...A week or so. I don't cry often but when I just can't take it anymore....
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Usually, not so much, but if I try, I think its nice.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Turkey or salami
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
YA!
7. DO YOU HAVE SIBLINGS?
Yes, 3 sisters and a brother
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No. I've seen too many broken rubber bands.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Reeses!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope, I'm lazy. I'll spend hours tying them ONCE so that they're always perfect.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yes, but only to a point. I find that I'm stronger when I'm fed up with something.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Cake batter!! With graham cracker pie crust.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
If they can take a joke.
15. RED OR PINK?
Red.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I can't just pick one...
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Justin
18. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
Virgo
19. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES?
Hmm... Tough. I'd have to say my gold high tops are my favorite. My brother is the best!
20. FAVORITE MEAL?
Fettuccine Alfredo
21. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
OH no! I can't pick just one. I'm an 80s heavy metal girl but I also love country and some electronic!
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Sapphire
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
I can't smell anything.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mah Brotha
25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
I have a mountain hideaway....BEACH HOUSE
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Dancing
27. HAIR COLOR?
Natural Blonde with some low lights.
28. EYE COLOR?
Green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, and I don't wear glasses either.
30. FAVORITE HEIRLOOM?
My great grandmothers first angel to put on a tree. Its been passed down through the family.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary movies. Happy endings are too predictable.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Black Swan
33. FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
Jeans!!
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer.
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Peanut butter pie :-) YUM
37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Cardio. Dance!
38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
The Big Girls. Harder to follow but still very good.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
No mouse pad....:-(
42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Bagpipes
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
The Beatles.
44. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?
1967 Camaro Convertible. Red. :-)
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can dance....and I jump horses...are those talents?
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Colorado
47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
See previous question.
48. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
S.P.I.D.E.R.S. Hands down. GROSS
49. WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY?
Hmm.... Tough.... music and my family.
50. WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOUR YOUNG SELF?
Dear younger self,
Just say no. :-)
I suppose you could say that. The movie, Christine, yes, I was named after a psychotic '58 Plymouth Fury
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Hmm...A week or so. I don't cry often but when I just can't take it anymore....
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Usually, not so much, but if I try, I think its nice.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Turkey or salami
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
YA!
7. DO YOU HAVE SIBLINGS?
Yes, 3 sisters and a brother
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No. I've seen too many broken rubber bands.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Reeses!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope, I'm lazy. I'll spend hours tying them ONCE so that they're always perfect.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yes, but only to a point. I find that I'm stronger when I'm fed up with something.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Cake batter!! With graham cracker pie crust.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
If they can take a joke.
15. RED OR PINK?
Red.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I can't just pick one...
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Justin
18. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
Virgo
19. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES?
Hmm... Tough. I'd have to say my gold high tops are my favorite. My brother is the best!
20. FAVORITE MEAL?
Fettuccine Alfredo
21. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
OH no! I can't pick just one. I'm an 80s heavy metal girl but I also love country and some electronic!
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Sapphire
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
I can't smell anything.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mah Brotha
25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
I have a mountain hideaway....BEACH HOUSE
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Dancing
27. HAIR COLOR?
Natural Blonde with some low lights.
28. EYE COLOR?
Green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, and I don't wear glasses either.
30. FAVORITE HEIRLOOM?
My great grandmothers first angel to put on a tree. Its been passed down through the family.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary movies. Happy endings are too predictable.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Black Swan
33. FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
Jeans!!
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer.
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Peanut butter pie :-) YUM
37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Cardio. Dance!
38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
The Big Girls. Harder to follow but still very good.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
No mouse pad....:-(
42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Bagpipes
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
The Beatles.
44. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?
1967 Camaro Convertible. Red. :-)
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can dance....and I jump horses...are those talents?
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Colorado
47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
See previous question.
48. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
S.P.I.D.E.R.S. Hands down. GROSS
49. WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY?
Hmm.... Tough.... music and my family.
50. WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOUR YOUNG SELF?
Dear younger self,
Just say no. :-)
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