Am I the only one who thinks I'm fat?!?!

I think it's finally time to just come out and admit it.

I think I'm fat.

Whats new? Don't all girls/women think that they are too big or they'd like to lose weight here or there?

Well sure, I'd say so but exactly how far do other girls/ women take it?

Doctors tell me I'm in a healthy weight range for my height. My fiancee tells me that I'm beautiful and sexy. My mom says that I'm gorgeous and my friends tell me the same thing.

Why can't I believe them?

I get this overwhelming feeling that they are just being nice to me. They know that I'm concerned with my looks and my overall outward appearance to an extreme so maybe they just don't want to hurt my feelings or make me thing that there's something more wrong with me.

Then there's what I see in the mirror. I have gotten a little better in the last few years. I only have to make sure to layer on the foundation and the mascara to feel alright in public but you can forget taking my picture. I see nothing but fat. Extra weight in my mid section and thighs and my cheeks. I try to avoid the scale at all costs because that just confirms my fears.

I'll deny it all day. If someone asks me, I'll say "I'm at a healthy weight" or "I'm only working out to stay healthy" but in my head I'm embarrassed of the way that I look. I think that everyone is constantly staring and thinking that I'm chubby or fat. No one will just come out and say it.

I use makeup and hair to draw away from my stomach and love handles. I'm not one to starve myself or workout until I collapse but no matter how healthy I try to eat or how many times I work out, I don't see any changes that I'm happy with.

Is this something I can fix? Maybe.
Is it something that will be easy? Hell no.
I'm just wondering if there's anyone else out there who feels this same way and how do you feel better about it?

Being nice

So this last week, I was staying at My love's mom's house with him to help watch the dogs while his mom was out of town. I decided that it would be nice to clean up for her. She's been gone for a week and it's a 15 hour drive. Plus, I had been using the kitchen and living room so it's only right to clean up after yourself.

I vacuumed the whole place and steam cleaned the hard wood floors. I even cleaned up the kitchen and the stove/ oven. I decided that was good enough because I don't like going through other people's things to search or to clean. I think there is a point where it's respectful and there's a point that you begin to invade their personal space.

The dogs ended up tracking a little mud into the kitchen just before she came home and I wasn't able to clean it up before she came inside. Her first comment?

"What happened to my floor?!?!"

BITCH! That shit is ten times cleaner than you left it. You should be glad that I even took 8 hours to get all the mud and dog hair off your shit. Fuck you!

I didn't say that of course but that was the first and only thought in my head.

Now, Chelsea (one of the dogs) is really attached to her. She was depressed and had trouble getting motivated for the beginning of the week so I was letting her sleep in their room as a comfort thing. This is something that they allow on a daily basis so I didn't think it would be a problem if it helped calm Chels.

Nope.

After she commented on my awful mopping job, she continues into her room and comes out with a handful of sheets to wash. I asked if Chelsea had made herself at home and she just continued with a bitchy comment about how she had not only "ruined" the bed but the pillows too. Now she will have to change the sheets before she goes to sleep....

Well fuck....

Who would have thought?

Moral?

Never ask me to watch your house because I'll virtually destroy the fucking place.

You're welcome.

The wonderful world of Fashion....hahahahaha

I've spent my whole working life (mind you, it's not been that long) behind a desk writing legal paperwork for the stock market, mortgages, and non profit organizations. I'm great at it, I understand it, it pays well....but I HATE it.

I have taken two years out of the 8+ that I'll need to complete my law and psych degree and while I absolutely adore the psychological aspect, the law side is beginning (always has) to bore me.

I decided to take a break and branch out. To do something that I've always had a passion for.

HAIR AND MAKEUP!!

What a lovely idea, right?

It sounds fantastic and fun. A nice break from the dull fog of pressed pants and button ups that must be ironed and dry cleaned and the creation of black and white documents that must be signed in blue ink with a stamp that says I sat there and watched them sign that piece of crushed and processed tree.

WRONG!

I really love it, I am completely enamored with every aspect except for...

wait for it....

The other people.

What a caddy and stuck up industry fashion and hair design is. If you don't fit the mold of what is considered perfect then you are a complete abomination to the entire salon.

I'm on the alternative side. I like tattoos and bright neon hair. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy as long as my client loves what they see in the mirror even if it's granny that just needed curlers to set her style for the week.

I didn't get into this business to judge someone for what they want done with their hair or makeup, I want to make them happy with what they see in the mirror and how they feel when they walk down the mall or a runway (wishful thinking). While I really enjoy creating funky cuts or doing fantasy style makeup, I'm happy just cutting off split ends and adding a few highlights. Just let me play with your hair and I'm fucking happy.

Turns out, that's not how it works in the real world. They are gross little shit talking backstabbers that gossip about everyone (clients included) while they live their boring lives and bitch about having to work.

Well...here is my bitching and gossiping for the day. :-)

I'm going to show them one day that passion and non judgement in this industry will, in fact, get you further.

New mission: Change the view of the fashion industry to enjoy all different looks and sizes and shapes and styles. Embrace differences and use that as your chance to create something new that no one has ever seen. Create by accepting any and all ideas and using them to your advantage!!

One day and one client at a time....

Random updates

As it turns out, it's quite difficult to post from a tablet. :-) I've tried several times but it gets cut off after a certain number of words and then I'm fucked.

Be careful what you wish for. That's my latest life lesson. I should have already known this considering that I've posted about it and warned others but I suppose that it's true that you must learn from your own mistakes.

I asked for a job that required moving around constantly. Part time hours and something that I was interested in. Hair and makeup!

Where did I end up?

The Salon....aka...HELL.

It is the most unprofessional place I've ever come in contact with and I can't imagine that they've been in business for as long as they have. They (I think) are used to the employees that are younger and not quite sure what sort of treatment is acceptable because they tend to use very unconventional and illegal manipulation to get what they want. I'm not even making enough money for my bills. In all reality, this place is a place that is of no benefit to me.

Why don't I leave?

Simple.

I can't. I'm "over qualified" for any other job I've attempted to apply for at the moment and I can't get any of the restaurants to call me back for a serving position.

As it turns out, working at an office as a manager at such a young age only benefited me so much. Now that experience is turning on me and no one wants to hire me because they can't "afford" me or I'm "over qualified"

Life goes on though and on a happier note, Jesse and I are still going strong. He's still just as amazing as I thought he'd be and it's a great change compared to what I've become accustomed to in relationships.

Current annoyances

So yesterday was my little brother's 18th birthday. It's strange to think that he can do all the same things as before butI don't have to babysit him and be on the lookout for cops for him.

I have realized my intolerance for stupidity and people taking advantage of one another.

Recently I've started working at a salon. Not your typical salon but a high end salon. The type that charges you $75 for a 15 minute consultation that is required for you to even get a haircut. Keep in mind that the haircut is a completely sepparate appt. that you have to pay for on the next go round.

I'm cheap. There's no dancing around it. I've never paid more than $50 for my hair no matter what I want done with it because my hair grows so fast that I would waste more money on my hair than food. Not to mention the fact that i get bored so fast that it would be wasted.

That's beside the point. I'm paid $9 an hour to work my ass off while the high maintenance, bitchy stylists jack around and get $500 dollar tips for doing twenty min of work. Meaning I ckean bathrooms, get food and drinks, sweep, dust, clean windows, power wash the building (also, I should mention that I'm supposed to be the receptionist so I'm dressed up in the required brand name clothes that I can't afford on my salary)

good excuses

It's been a while since I've blogged or even visited to be honest. I'm not caught up on everyone's writing as well as I used to be but I'll have to go back amd start reading. Truth is that I've found someone new and he's quite amazing.

I've told you all about the douche bags that I seem to attract and subsequently put up with in spite of knowing that I'm worth way more than that. This time seems different, actually, it is different. He is a great guy who is funny and has a sense of humor to match mine.

I promise to try to be better about blogging now and I can actually share some stories from happier places than I was in the beginning of all this. :-)

I'm off to catch up on all the other amazing blogs that I've neglected thus far but I'll be back soon.

Creepy creatures, sewage block, now ghosts?

Dear New House,

When will you be normal?!?!
-Me

As I said in my last post, we finally finished moving for the umpteenth trillion time. Hopefully this house is going to be my permanent residence for a while now. One can only hope.

It hasn't been a smooth transition though, I can tell you that. Interesting? Sure, but not smooth.

The house has been vacant for about ten years now due to the owner being crazy rich and not bothering to rent it out or sell it. Naturally, there's going to be a few things wrong with it. Luckily the owner is also aware of this and is willing to pay for whatever needs to be done to make the house up and running once again.

I had stayed behind in the old house to be sure that everything had been packed and the house had been cleaned to a relatively moral standard. I didn't do much though considering that when I had moved in, there was mold on all the floors and the fact that the landlord had lied to us when the house was under foreclosure to take our money and not put it towards the house.

My brother and uncle had opted to spend the night in the new house for the first two days and get it ready while I stayed behind.

I get a phone call about scary noises and screaming coming from the attic. To my amusement, they were pretty freaked out about it and almost came back to stay with me. :-)

Turns out it was just a bunch of raccoons that had been posted up there for a few years. So I called our new landlord and requested that he have our new house guests removed.

Done!

Two hours later I get a call that the basement was flooding from the toilet and the shower. Whenever water was run in the upper level, it would explode in the basement.

Again....AMUSED!!

They are such sissies!!

So we get those issues fixed and get all moved in. YAY!

Or not.

There's voices, doors slamming, strange noises.

We thought we were going crazy!!

My uncle gets a "ghost detector" that is supposed to sense energy and display it to you. Good energy, bad energy, etc. It also interprets words that are supposedly being said by these energy sources.

I was skeptical at first but played along if it kept them from freaking out.

Then, strange things started happening. I had been talking to them about what would be a good dinner. "should we make rice?" I asked. "Maybe some pork chops?".

They weren't sure so they decided to change clothes as they had just gotten back from the gym.

I'm alone in the kitchen and this "ghost detector" says

"Prepare.....Rice"

I was a little freaked out.

"Shawn....Changing...."

Ok WTF is going on?!

Here they come and they both said

"I think we should have rice."

I'm a believer!

We have ghosts.....


Who ya gonna call....?

Eight legged freaks

For starters, have you seen this movie?

It is the most horrifying movie after arachnophobia, that I have ever seen.

That's right, folks! I'm terrified of spiders....

ANYWHO: We have finished our move to the new house. It has been vacant for a few years and we had to do some painting and other small things to get settled in.

Okay...by "small" I actually meant that we had to do some crazy things that I would have never even thought of.

Right! Back to the spiders. So, as previously stated, I'm terrified of them. To the point of having bad dreams and not sleeping for the night because I had seen one within a hundred feet of my room. Childish? Maybe. I don't care though because I'd rather be laughed at than pretend that I didn't just get the heebie jeebies from hearing it and feeling it squish under my fingers as I'm trying to get rid of it.

*Disclaimer: I do not squish spiders if they are outside. I'm a firm believer that if I want them to stay out of my house then I'll leave them alone in theirs.*

With this house having been vacant for so long, there has been complete free reign of spiders around here for quite some time. We got all of the visible ones out of corners and windows and such but there is no way to completely get rid of them all for a while.

I've only seen small little, black, hairy ones up to this point so I'm not really that worried about it.

Until tonight....

I'm walking barefoot into my new bathroom that I'm finally able to use since everything has been fixed. I'm excited and carrying a box full of shampoo, conditioner, and other necessary items required for proper shower taking and naturally not expecting that I'm secretly walking right passed spiderzilla on my way to and from.

Did I mention that I'm barefoot?

So I finally get all my things in the bathroom and I'm ready to shower off all the moving dust and grime. *click* light is on and I'm singing to myself about the happiness of showers completely oblivious to the demon that is staring right at my toes.

I feel a slight tickle and look down to see IT. A 50 cent piece sized red and black, transparent, skinny, creepy, agent of death.

Yeah, hell yeah, I screamed!!!

In the process of trying to locate my brother, put something over the spider to hinder his attempt to escape, and get as far away as humanly possible from this monster, I have fallen and hit my knee.

This should only serve as proof that they are out to get you.

Here I sit at 4:30 in the morning telling you my story of near death because.....can you guess why?

YEP!! All I can think about is them crawling all over me. My hair touches my neck and I'm wide awake and across the room ready to strike.

Hope you all can sleep a little better. :-* 

Me

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I let life sweep me away for a while. That’s the best excuse I could come up with I suppose. 

The truth is that I have been doing some self reflecting and self transformation over the past month or so. 

There are a lot of people that I let forget how much they mean to me and I let myself forget who I am in the midst of all the stress and things pulling me down.

Good news?

I’m working on getting myself back. That’s the girl that I’ve been missing for quite a while and I’m glad she’s back. At the same time, I’ve lost time that I’ll never get back. That’s done now and I’m not going to dwell on what I can’t fix and worry about changing the things that I can.

I haven’t been the person I should have been all this time and I’ve taken people and the things in my life for granted.

I’ve been told that before by other people but I suppose I’m too stubborn to actually listen to them. It took a rude awakening to shake me into seeing the truth for what it was. It turns out that the reality was much more rugged than the lines that my rainbow color glasses had led me to believe.

The glasses are off now and I’m trying to smooth out the edges of this reality that I’ve created unknowingly (or maybe it was knowingly. I’m not really sure anymore) and take a new path. Where that path leads, I’m not really sure. I do know one thing it’s going to need to be cleared because I’ve made a mess out of it.

Fighting the urge to go back to my old ways and numb myself from the hard work it’s going to take to let everyone see the good person that lies behind my façade but I’m ready to show the world that I exist. Me. Not the girl that I THOUGHT everyone would want to see or the girl that I thought 

everyone wanted me to be.

Just me.

I figure that if I’m real, I’ll find real people to surround myself with. Maybe then, no, ONLY then will I be able to truly find happiness.

Life is filled with superficial encounters. Those turn into relationships. Relationships are based off of communication.

Sometimes that communication is all a lie.

SURPRISE!

I haven’t been true to myself. Therefore I haven’t been true to those around me. Luckily some people saw that and loved me anyway.

Those are the people that I want to show the real me to.

They deserve it.

I deserve it.

It’s time.

Hello world, I’m Kristy! Take it or leave it but you get what you see from now on.