Hell is dragging me back...Can I hold on?

I’m trying to force myself to write again. It seems like when I think I have nothing to say, that’s actually when I have the most to say, I just don’t know it. When I know what to say, it’s never as interesting as I thought it would be. Strange… but true.

I’m starting to wonder who I am anymore. I like to think I’m the same old me but I’m definitely not. The old me would not have pushed her friends away for a stupid mother fucker like I did. The old me would absolutely not have a. stayed with this stupid fuck and b. never let him treat her this way and beat her down like he does. So, obviously, the me that I THOUGHT I was and the me that ACTUALLY is are two very different people.

I’d really like to be happy with life and content for once. For some reason, I can’t. I’m not happy, and I can’t think of anything that would actually make me happy. I complain about what I have but I don’t want to lose the benefits of it. Ugh!! I frustrate me. I’m depressed, I sleep a lot, I can’t find anything funny anymore and I never have the physical energy to do anything that needs to be done.  I don’t even have the energy to do something I want. I get headaches like crazy and can hardly remember my name, so I sit inside and waste away with this guy that, says he cares. I call bull shit.

Then I look in the mirror and I ask…Why? I know I’m strong, I know I’m stubborn, I know I’m smart, and I know I could do this alone and I don’t need help from anyone. Yet here I am….

I’ve faded into a different person. The outside is still here, but the inside is gone.  Even that’s not true. The inside is still there, just too afraid to come out. Every time I think about it, I “decide” that I’m going to stop being a push over, and I’m going to start living for me and being happy…then, here I am.

I wish I could cry.

But I can’t. I’ve never been able to just cry because I’m depressed or sad or stressed and to this day, that hasn’t changed. There are no tears, just hidden emotions that I don’t share with anyone. I put on a smile and I look pretty and I play the sweet girl that everyone loves because I’m too proud to tell the truth. I’m too proud to say that I’ve let life take the upper hand, I’m too proud to say that I was wrong. So I’ll deny it. I won’t ask for help because I can do it on my own.

At least I’m not using. My sobriety comes first and that’s not a joke. At least I’m sticking by that. The demons whisper to me in the dark times. They beg me to come and play as they remind me of the good times that I had with them and dance around me like children pulling me towards a beautiful light. Then, Just as I’m about to give in to their teasing and luring me with tales of beautiful and happy days, an angel (whom I have yet to learn the name) flips on the light switch and shows my memories for what they really are.

Snippets of memory that fill a whole .5% of all the time that I spent in hell. An even darker hole that I slipped into and made myself believe that I was actually happier there. Oh no, I wasn’t happier, it was worse. Its still scary that hell is pulling and coursing me to come back and I’m actually contemplating compliance.

Something has got to change.

…..Soon

Stress, Its a killer

Here we are again at the end of another day and…well….I really have nothing to report.  I didn’t end up staying home and running errands today because the DMV pulled a fast one and closed on Fridays. I’m glad I found this out before it was too late because it would look really bad if I took off a Friday and then a Monday.

This is day 9 of being sick and its getting really old. My headaches won’t go away and all I ever want to do is sleep.  I’m tired of being tired all the time; it makes me feel like I’m missing out on life. For some reason lately, I get this feeling like I’m running out of time. It hit me suddenly that I’ll never get “today” back so I need to not regret anything I do.

I’m 19…..I have PLENTY of time….(I’m out of my mind and even I see that)

Frustration with the current situation is creeping more and more over me, pulling the black curtain (that is surprisingly very heavy) over my eyes until I find some way to release it. I’m beginning to remember exactly why I used all those times. The stress and the headaches are a reminder of that. Thank goodness I had a two year barrier between then and now. I at least have some base to stand on no matter how flimsy it still is. It is tough to push myself through sober, daily, stress but I’m learning to live it minute by minute. The problem is that I’m trying to find healthy outlets for this stress and “black curtain ness” but running only makes the headache worse, cigs only make me more sleepy, dancing has the same effect as running…Hmm… Looks like advil is going to become my new best friend in all of this because it’s not healthy to sit inside and reflect on how angry I am. That only has two outcomes:

1)EXPLOSION-raises blood pressure

2)Using- obvious outcome

Both of those are hazardous to me.

I’ve found that Kino is a HUGE part of this. He makes me happy, keeps me responsible, loves me when I feel like no one else does (another issue I have, I’m WAY too emotional and quick to jump the gun on other people’s emotions) and he helps keep me motivated to run in spite of my headaches. He was the BEST worst decision I’ve ever made.  *I say that with all the love in my heart*

Suddenly the “nothing” that I had to report turned into a spilling of emotions that I knew I had but never shared with my online diary. This, when you think about it, is strange considering that this is the only place that I CAN share this with and have nothing else to worry about.

It turns out that I have more to say than even I thought I did. Maybe I should just sit and write out of boredom all the time because even though I’ve taken 4 advil, this seems to be helping my head. “Stress, It’s a killer” this quote never made sense to me until now.

 

Dance Dance!

Finally, after a few months of looking (and procrastinating) I think I have finally found my new dance school! :-) I get a free month's "tester" and then I'll get a placement. I'm pretty excited about this "tester" because it allows me to get a feel for the school and the dances and allows them to, essentially, get a feel for me too. I'll be placed where they think I'd best fit so that I'm not thrown into a pit of sharks but I'm not swimming with the snails either.

This is all very new and strange to me because I've been with the same company for over 7 years now so I've never had to go through this selection process and being weeded out. Its a bit intimidating to be honest. I'm expected to be this AMAZING dancer...well...I have news for you....

This girl is self conscious about EVERYTHING. I've always doubted my dancing skills not to mention, they have completely different steps so I DO have to learn everything over again. Which is dumb.


Wish me luck!!

Blech...

I'm sick for the first time all year!!!! :-( I hate being sick in the summer. It started on Wednesday and I thought it was just my allergies acting up or something but as it turns out, I'm sick.

My brother brought over his new car the other day.
Yes, my 17 year old brother got a turbo with only 50,000 miles on it. Oh what it would be like to be the favorite child. I have nothing against my brother, don't get me wrong. My mom has just never had much of a liking for me. Can't tell you why, all I know is that its always been this way. I'm happy for my brother though considering he's all alone (besides me) because my mom left him so she could be in DC. He had a POS before that had almost 300,000 miles on it and I was constantly towing it out of wherever it would breakdown at. (I don't know why I'm so picture happy today...Just go with it)

So its good to know that my brother is safe...well...kinda. I mean, now he just has a turbo to go to the street races with. :-) Can't say that I wouldn't join him though.

Tired of all the cry babies and attention

WHORES!!!!!


Really getting tired of all the whining about people's feelings being hurt and how it's not fair that they have to have their feelings hurt when most of these people have no fucking care for anyone else on this planet.

Selfish, attention whoring, cry baby, bastards!!!

Words of anger and hate....Over

I was reading some reviews on that new movie, 30 minutes or less, when I hear about this family speaking out against it. Calling it sick and wrong and now its becoming a huge controversy.

Naturally I watched the preview to see what was going on.

I thought it looked really funny.

So I go back and see what all the fuss is about and its some sister crying about how someone is purposely making fun of her brother and the entire country is out to laugh at a tragic situation...PUHLEEZ...

Honey, YOU are NOT that important. Half (if not more) of the country has no fucking clue who you are or what your story is. (Not that its not a heart breaking and terrible story. My heart goes out to their family for their loss) Honestly, why does everyone think that we need to cater to every one's "feelings"?!?! Since when did we all turn into a bunch of babies?

Its made to be funny, a JOKE!! Live a little people.

There isn't a single human out there who hasn't made some sort of joke about death, race, gender, hair color, disabilities...etc. Just because you joke, doesn't mean you have anything against that person, it just means that you can have a good time and not take yourself so seriously.

Come on people!! Stop crying for attention and sympathy and grow up. Have fun in life and laugh at the jokes. Take serious what needs to be taken serious and let the rest go. We only get 100 years and they go too quickly to be worried about Joe Schmoe and what he thinks is funny....

New found happiness?

Today was a big day!

First, I'm in TCS and was able to keep my thoughts to myself. What would have normally begun a back and forth bickering match, became a positive nudge at one of my new found friends.

Speaking of new found friends, I have become (I feel) like a "part" of TCS. When I first joined, I didn't know what to say, what to imput, if anyone would care what I had to say, etc. Now, I look forward to reading the blogs of my fellow TCSers and having (short) conversations with them be it "hi how are ya?" to a good debate about one political issue or another.

Lame? Maybe. But I'm happy none the less. :-)

This or that?

Choices, choices, choices!!!!

I feel like I'm in the middle of a room with doors all around and they all have some positives and negatives and all very exciting but you can only choose one.

I'm in the middle of a life changing...well.. itch really. There's nothing wrong with the way I live life now but I'm starting to wonder if the grass ain't greener somewhere else. I work a full 40 hour week and go to school online as of right now. I drive 70 miles to work every day and sit alone on a computer. Sure, it pays good and I'm by no means complaining about it, I just think that there are plenty of other options out there that, if I dont' utilize now, will never be available to me again.

For example, I used to live in my own house and pay all my own bills but rent went up and I just couldn't afford it alone anymore (not to mention, I kicked out the ass hole) so now I live with family. I still pay all my own bills but I'm saving much more money, which I love. Having spare cash is something I've never been able to do and growing up with a...middle class (we had nice things and never went hungry. We even went on amazing vacations but that took saving up) family, its nice to be able to splurge a bit here and there.

At the same time, I wonder what it would be like to work part time and be able to spend the rest of my time doing what I want to do. Or maybe working a job that has three 12 hour days and more "days off" or something like that. That way, while I'm young, I can enjoy staying up late and doing things I like. Not to mention, I'd get more time for school work because, at the moment, its very difficult to find any.

What to do?