Stress, Its a killer

Here we are again at the end of another day and…well….I really have nothing to report.  I didn’t end up staying home and running errands today because the DMV pulled a fast one and closed on Fridays. I’m glad I found this out before it was too late because it would look really bad if I took off a Friday and then a Monday.

This is day 9 of being sick and its getting really old. My headaches won’t go away and all I ever want to do is sleep.  I’m tired of being tired all the time; it makes me feel like I’m missing out on life. For some reason lately, I get this feeling like I’m running out of time. It hit me suddenly that I’ll never get “today” back so I need to not regret anything I do.

I’m 19…..I have PLENTY of time….(I’m out of my mind and even I see that)

Frustration with the current situation is creeping more and more over me, pulling the black curtain (that is surprisingly very heavy) over my eyes until I find some way to release it. I’m beginning to remember exactly why I used all those times. The stress and the headaches are a reminder of that. Thank goodness I had a two year barrier between then and now. I at least have some base to stand on no matter how flimsy it still is. It is tough to push myself through sober, daily, stress but I’m learning to live it minute by minute. The problem is that I’m trying to find healthy outlets for this stress and “black curtain ness” but running only makes the headache worse, cigs only make me more sleepy, dancing has the same effect as running…Hmm… Looks like advil is going to become my new best friend in all of this because it’s not healthy to sit inside and reflect on how angry I am. That only has two outcomes:

1)EXPLOSION-raises blood pressure

2)Using- obvious outcome

Both of those are hazardous to me.

I’ve found that Kino is a HUGE part of this. He makes me happy, keeps me responsible, loves me when I feel like no one else does (another issue I have, I’m WAY too emotional and quick to jump the gun on other people’s emotions) and he helps keep me motivated to run in spite of my headaches. He was the BEST worst decision I’ve ever made.  *I say that with all the love in my heart*

Suddenly the “nothing” that I had to report turned into a spilling of emotions that I knew I had but never shared with my online diary. This, when you think about it, is strange considering that this is the only place that I CAN share this with and have nothing else to worry about.

It turns out that I have more to say than even I thought I did. Maybe I should just sit and write out of boredom all the time because even though I’ve taken 4 advil, this seems to be helping my head. “Stress, It’s a killer” this quote never made sense to me until now.