*~* Frustration *~*

This time though, its with myself.

I don't understand why I let him walk all over me and never do anything about it. I SHOULD have left a long time ago but here I am writing about it instead of changing my situation. I know in my head that I'm stupid for staying here and taking all of the bull shit and actually letting him convince me that I couldn't do any better. I always thought I was a tougher more strong willed person but it turnes out that I CAN be controlled by simple psychological tactics and not realize it until its too late. Lately I've been realizing that this is crap and I need to move on and for once I'm not second guessing myself. It feels like the end is finally getting closer and its because something is giving me the power and strength to build myself up as far as self esteem goes to fully leave and never look back.

Monetarily and as far as recources go, I'm completely self sufficient. My emotions are what is keeping me here with him. He has somehow managed to convince me that everything that has ever happened that was wrong was my fault and that he is the *best* guy there is for me and, should I ever leave, I'll never find someone as good as him that would "put up with me and my bull shit".

 The sad part?

I actually believed all that for a while. I haven't seen any therapists, I haven't seen any councelors and I HAVENT told anyone about this because I already know what they would say. Exactly what ANYONE with a right mind would say. Leave him! Then I'd agree that they were right and I'd chicken out and then i'd look like the idiot for not doing anything about it.

Its happened before.

I feel like I'm finally reaching the end of my rope here and it's all because I'm (somehow) able to pull myself out of this hole all on my own. Of course I have the support of my amazing brother which helps a lot. He's the only person who can fully understand what I'm going through and, even though I know it annoys him or frustrates him sometimes to hear all the fucked up stuff he does to me, support me through it.

I'm almost embarassed just to THINK about the things he's done and said to me that I've just forgiven. Its stupid and I was NEVER like this with boyfriends before. I was able to put my foot down and be treated with respect and actually have a fun, loving relationship rather that a dictatorship where I've been appointed number 1 prisoner. No thank you. This does not sound fun to me and I can't believe that I continue to put up with it. Over and over and over.

Slut.Whore.Bitch. Shut the fuck up.I hate you. You're worthless. Don't piss me off. Are you trying to make me angry?Tramp.

Oh I could make the list go on and these are just his FAVORITES. Theres other random ones that he comes up with but there's too many to remember.

I'm getting too worked up at work to write this, I'll have to finish it later. Sorry guys.