Saw a side of me tonight I haven't seen in a while. A loooooong while. I'm not sure why it happened really. I was laying on the couch in and out of sleep when I woke up and just felt alone, sad, depressed, with a little anxiety mixed in.

When I was younger, I would feel this way a lot. Especially in the summer when school was out. I'd have a friend over and the whole time they were there, all I could think of was that they would leave soon and I'd once again be alone. They'd leave....there it was. Loneliness, feeling like I'd never get better.

I hadn't felt that way since I was in eighth grade. Until tonight.

I got a new car. On a whim really. I am back and forth between regretting it and loving it.

Other than that, nothing is that new in my life but here's that same old feeling.

Music, no mater what kind, only makes it worse but silence has the same effect. I want to talk to someone but feel like that would only make things worse. So I turn toyou. Venting my problems to an online diary hoping to get feed back from the online world that keeps me safe while learning all my secrets. Good and bad.

It's strange how people can say they care for you so much one day and the next dAy you're just chopped liver. Why am I so dispensable?

They say I'm the most amazon person they've ever met but here I am, alone.

I can never decide what I want. Sometimes all I want is some time alone but when I get it, I just want people.

I don't like this old me and her ugly sadness. I thought it was gone but I suppose it's beginning again. My evil twin coming to wreak havoc on my existence to test my drive and ability to pull through.

I did it once before but this time I'm not so sure.
I don't know what I need or want. I DO know I don't want this though.